Failure

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 Lately, I have had the heavy burden of feeling like a failure. I feel like I can't get ahead in life, and at my measly 26 years of age, I feel as if I should be ahead of my time.

As of late, I can feel my depression rearing its ugly face again, and I don't know how to tame it. I overthink everything and I cannot help it.

Yesterday, at work, I had to excuse myself to the restroom so that I could have a mild breakdown in peace.

 -My brain is telling me I'm no-good, that I should be further in life than I am now, I should have a hoard of children now, I should be done with school, and should have my career choice started already instead of working in a fucking gas station, and my bank account balance should be six digits, not negative.

-Instead, my heart is telling me, this is just a stepping stone, everyone goes their own pace, I had a miscarriage a few years ago and God is trying to heal me again before I have children, I'm in school (college) again for the third time because sometimes I actually do enjoy education and there is nothing wrong with having multiple qualifications to fall back on; that my career choice is slowly coming ahead, but I'm still fighting with myself not knowing if it is something that I want, or if it is something everyone else wants for me. And I work in a fucking gas station, because I felt I had no where else to go, and nobody else would hire me, but now I get nervous about leaving that place now because of a couple of the most amazing people I work with, I don't want to lose them. My bank account balance is -$100.75 and I am broke and that it is okay, because it takes time to even get four digits in your account.

I feel like a failure more and more each day, and I worry myself into breakdowns and stressful days, because I am afraid that my family, that my fiance, will figure out sooner or later that I am a worthless, broken, lazy, penny-less, failing piece of shit, who cannot decide what she wants in/out of life other than what can come easy because she is afraid of failure... when she already is one.

One day, I will be abandoned again like I was by another family member when I was living in another state for college... and I cannot blame them. I am terrified of being abandoned, but who could blame them if they did? I couldn't.

I am a failure, but I keep floating through this life, because I have no choice, and I know that one day soon, I will be an achieving failure. 

I am a failure, but I will get what I want out of life eventually. It takes time. 💝

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